But this time I was dreading it, not because he would be upset with the answer. Because the answer would upset me. And here it came:
"what tomorrow is?"
I was trying to get the words out, "Tomorrow we have to get up really early and go to Mae Mae's house." Tears were filling my eyes, "because mommy has to go to school." By this point I wasn't really holding anything back, my face was wet.
"Mommy, you sad?"
"Ya I'm sad"
"Who hurt you?"
pause.
" I made you sad? Hayden make you sad? Daddy make you sad? The wall make you sad?"
{side note: whenever we get an owie-scrape a leg, break a nail, etc Hud always wants to know who hurt us or made us sad. And sometimes it's just that darn concrete we fell on or the chair we bumped our toe into etc.}
"No, mommy is sad in her heart"
"Mommy your heart sad? My heart not sad. Why you heart sad?"
"Because mommy has to go to school tomorrow and she's going to miss you."
"I not going to miss me."
(insert some random 3 year old talk that is really not pertinent to the story)
"Mommy, Jesus live in you heart?" (and he says you not your-that's not a typo!)
"Yes, does Jesus live in your heart?"
"No, he's flying in the sky." (this answer changes quite often, so I'm not too worried...)
We finished our normal bedtime routine and made it out of the room before I completely lost it. Sobbing. Eyes filled with tears. I can't leave them. I don't want to do it. I'm going to be a crying mess in front of all those kids, grandparents, and teacher friends.
I continued to snuggle Hayden and we made our way to bed. I knew that 5:30 am was going to come way too soon, especially with some feedings thrown in there.
The morning went as planned, I showered, grabbed my phone and headed in the other room to blow dry my hair (no need to wake the sleeping baby). I clicked YouVersion on my phone while holding the blow dryer to my wet head and went to my daily reading plan. I began reading and got to these words:
"We serve a God who doesn't just save us from our sin, doesn't just redeem our life from the pit, He also says-Hey, whatever life situation I hand you for the sake of my glory: if it's plenty, if it seems like not enough, if its easy or rough-I'm going to give you the strength to get through it. Because I love and because that's the best way for it to happen and you can trust Me."
Then I read in in Philippians 4 in verse 11, "for I have learned to be content what the circumstances."
and in verse 13, "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."
Really Lord? There is a reason that I should have completed this plan a week ago, but was too distracted to focus on You and now you nailed me with it on the exact day I needed it? Really? You're that good God?
You see that verse was exactly what I needed this morning, on this day, and in this circumstance in my life. Because to be quite honest, I haven't really wanted to be a working mama since November. I want to be a stay home and snuggle babies and bake and take care of the house kind of mama. But Hudson had it all right, "Mommy, Jesus live in your heart?" And because He does, just like the devotional says, He doesn't just redeem us, He strengthens us too. He strengthens us for the things He has planned for our life. Not the things we plan or think sound better, but for His will.
Because as much as I miss those sweet babies {and boy it's a check your phone whenever you can to see if you have any messages about the babies from Mae Mae kind of miss them} it's not the plan. At least not right now. Because His plan is that I'm a working mama. A teacher mama. A mama of two at home and twenty five in the classroom. And I have a purpose in that. And He has a plan for it. And He strengthens me to be a working mama of two. Because without Him I am nothing and I am not able.
"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not he ability to carry it out." Romans 7:18
But thankfully I can say, "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
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